The Breakdown
I lost it this morning! I totally lost it with my daughter. And, before she left for school when she had two tests to face and all the stuff that goes with interacting with other immature and insecure humans. I am sharing this because I always share the tips and tricks of nervous system regulation and the goodness of God.
God is good every moment, and our nervous system is operating every moment. Sometimes, however, we react from old data. Why? Because we have literally wired our brains and therefore our bodies to respond to certain stimuli in a way that keeps us “safe”.
What Happened
For many reasons this morning I was not feeling safe…apparently. I have a long history of not being self-aware. In fact, I actually believed it was sinful. “Think less of myself,” I told myself. This may have caused some issues. 🙄
When my daughter did a thing that was not “approved by mom” and took us out of routine and thus running behind my internal schedule, I snapped. Angry mom ran the show for a good 10 minutes. Words were said that clearly showed both of us that we had allowed a part of us not under the authority of Jesus to “drive the bus”.
The Turning Point
I was driving at this point and got a hold of myself. I asked myself, “Is this how I want to say goodbye to her this morning?”
I have learned so much in the training I have been through in the last 5 years and even before that growing in my understanding of the character of God that I knew there was a problem with me here. I am supposed to be an adult.
I quietly and to myself asked the Holy Spirit to show me what I was making her behavior mean. Why had I become so dysregulated by an interaction with my beloved daughter?
The Revelation
I am not sure I want to go on with this public display of my weakness, but it may help someone. So here it is.
I realized this morning that I get angry at my family if I have to say “No”. I have very strong values and beliefs, so I am forced to say “No” way more than I want. I want my kids to grow up healthy in body, soul, and spirit. But, I really hate to say “No, you can’t have that,” or “No, you can’t do that.” Sounds silly when I type it. Embarrassing, really. But there it is.
The Healing
When I began this mental journey into the world of “Why’s”, some healing began. I was able to apologize to my daughter for my part in our conflict without laying any blame on her. (She did some things wrong, but momma, when you mess up, this is not the time for that.)
I repented of my behavior and shared a short explanation of my internal struggle. I made sure she understood that my behavior was not because of her. It was not her fault I lost my cool. She did not deserve what I laid on her.
Grace in Action
There were some tears. Then, some repair to our relationship. Loving words were shared. We rode in silence for the rest of the way. Reviewing for the tests and even breakfast did not happen. However, a more important moment did.
We each gave each other space to be humans. To mess up and make up. Our loving Father with His comforting Holy Spirit held us both and will never stop loving and guiding us. Praise be to God! Thank you, Jesus!